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| Fatherlessness - God's Curse? by Rick I. Johnson The number of children being raised in homes today without a father has reached epedemic proportions in our country. The fatherless family of the United States in the late twentieth century is a social invention of the most daring and untested design. It represents a radical departure from virtually all of human history and experience. Perhaps, at least some of the problems our society currently faces are directly attributable to a biblical warning - fathers turning away from their children. "Father" - the word itself conjures up a plethora of images, emotions, and feelings. Regardless of one's sentiments about his or her own father, we should be asking ourselves some fairly significant questions about the role of men in our culture today - questions such as: What is a father? Are fathers even important any more? What happens when there are no fathers around? What is implied by the fact that our society's best known example of fatherhood is Homer Simpson? And most importantly, what does God think about fathering? The nuclear family has been society's norm since the beginning of civilization. Only recently have certain segments of our culture began to attack men's role in general and fatherhood in particular. A father's primary role has evolved over the years, and men are confused as to what society expects of them. They receive conflicting messages - some subconscious and some overt - from the media, churches, the political left and right, the government, and even our educational system. The high divorce rate in our country has produced a generation filled with men who have not had a role model of positive fatherhood in their lives. Fathering is a learned trait, one that men aren't typically born with. It is estimated that currently forty percent of the children in this country are being raised in a home without their father. Couple that with the high and rising incidence of unwed, young single mothers, and we are perpetuating fatherlessness onto future generations. The rate of fatherlessness has increased dramatically in our culture in recent years. The United States is now the world leader in fatherless families. Here are some of the sobering statistics regarding the impact of fatherlessness on children:
One of the ways to combat this detriment to society is to equip and inspire men to be better and more committed fathers. Whole segments of society, such as prison populations, unwed fathers, young men, and the socio-economically depressed population, need to be targeted in order to combat the societal problems that every country faces. These problems include crime, violence towards women, drug abuse, pre-martial sexual relations, teenage pregnancy, poverty, and lack of productivity - all of which can be directly traced to lack of a positive male role model. Children without fathers need men to step forward as positive influences in their lives. The plight of many single mothers within and outside the church is finding men willing to fill those roles for their sons and daughters. Young men without exposure to mature male leadership can become predators, and young women often try to find the paternal love and attention they desperately require in the wrong places. Older men have a responsibility to walk along side younger men, giving them the benefit of their experience. Likewise, young men should be open - in fact eager - to receive advice from the more mature members of their gender. Too often, however, male pride stops us from disseminating and receiving crucial information. Someone is going to influence your children. It had better be you and not the television, movies, and radio media. Are fathers really important? Is becoming a good father an intrinsic part of fulfilling our destiny as men? Dr. James Dobson believes that our very survival as a people will depend on the presence or absence of masculine leadership in millions of homes. Sociologists and feminists have said that fathers are obsolete - scientists, after all, can start life in a petri dish. And single moms are doing just fine, thank you - no man needed. But can society do without fathers? Are dads really expendable? Stu Weber, in his incredible book about manhood entitled Four Pillars of a Man's Heart, writes, "When a man [father] is the capable, caring leader he should be, people can flourish. Emotions are stable. Out-of-control behaviors fade. And people grow into love and trust. When the king is in his castle, so to speak, his wife is energized, his children are purposeful, and the relationships within the family become the springboard from which the challenges of life are successfully met." Fathers appear to have an innate power to influence their children and the community around them. What man or woman, regardless of their age, doesn't still yearn for his or her father's approval and love? Weber, in another of his books, Tender Warrior, states it this way: "There are two ways to recognize power. One is to see it at work. The other way is to measure what happens when it is gone. Either way, Dad is pretty potent. Present or absent. Positive or negative. The power of a father is incredible. There isn't much of anything in life children can't face with Dad's strong hand wrapped tightly around theirs." What happens when fathers are not around? Perhaps the most exhaustive research work on the effects of fatherlessness on our culture is Fatherless America by David Blankenhorn. Using empirically sound arguments backed up by almost one hundred pages of notes and reference materials, Blankenhorn debunks a popular cultural attitude that fathers are either unneeded or a detriment to our society. He introduces his book with a frightening statement: The United States is becoming an increasingly fatherless society. A generation ago, an American child could reasonably expect to grow up with his or her father. Today, an American child can reasonably expect not to. Fatherlessness is now approaching a rough parity with fatherhood as a defining feature of American childhood. Yet, despite its scale and social consequences, fatherlessness is a problem that is frequently ignored or denied. ....The most urgent domestic challenge facing the United States at the close of the twentieth century is the re-creation of fatherhood as a vital social role for men. At stake is nothing less than the success of the American experiment. For unless we reverse the trend of fatherlessness, no other set of accomplishments - not economic growth or prison construction or welfare reform or better schools - will succeed in arresting the decline of child well-being and the spread of male violence. To tolerate the trend of fatherlessness is to accept the inevitability of continued social recession. Dr. Wade Horn says it this way, "If we stay on the current course, one day the United States will be known as the country of the founding fathers...with no fathers to be found." So why are fathers becoming less and less important in our society? Certainly the feminization of our culture plays a role in causing men to appear confused or even intimidated about their role as fathers. Weber wonders, "Why aren't more men taking hold in our country? Why aren't more men showing young hands where to hold on? Could it be that the Industrial Revolution and its aftermath took Dad out of the home entirely? Have we forgotten what dads do? What real men are all about? Our culture is out of step. We are out of order. And there's nothing more painful to witness than men who have forgotten what a man is." Likewise, Dr. Henry Biller speaks a mouthful when he says, "The principal danger to fatherhood today is that fathers do not have the vital sense of father power that they had in the past. Because of a host of pressures from society, the father has lost the confidence that he is naturally important to his children, that he has the power to affect children, to guide them and help them grow. He isn't confident that fatherhood is a basic part of being masculine and the legitimate focus of his life." Steve Farrar asserts in his book Anchor Man that it takes more than sperm to be a father - it takes a man. He writes, "It's not unusual for a man to walk out on his family and think he can still be a father. But kids who are abandoned by their fathers know the truth. Their lives have been altered. The family has died. And things will never be the same. They intuitively understand the truth. It takes more than sperm to be a father. It takes commitment." This is precisely why a dedicated stepfather is capable of being a better dad than an uninvolved biological father. In virtually all human societies, a child's well-being depends decisively upon a high level of paternal investment. Indeed, many anthropologists view the rise of fatherhood as the key to the emergence of the human family and, ultimately, of human civilization. Paternal investment enriches children in four ways. First, a father physically protects his children. Second, a father provides financially and materially for his children. Third, and probably most important, a father distinctively contributes to the identity, character, and competence of his children. This might be termed "paternal cultural transmission". Fourth, and most obviously, a father nutures his kids--feeding them, playing with them, telling them stories - providing emotionally what they want and need from both parents. Recent studies have even shown that men who play with their small children help develop fundamental portions of the children's brains, giving them greater confidence and the ability to take risks throughout life. So what is the problem, and how do we remedy it? Over the past two hundred years, fathers have gradually moved from the center to the periphery of family life. As the social role for fathers has diminished, so our cultural story of fatherhood has almost completely ceased to portray fathers as essential guarantors of child and societal well-being. In colonial America, fathers were seen as primary and irreplaceable caregivers. According to both law and custom, fathers bore the ultimate responsibility for the care and well-being of their children, especially older children. More centrally, fathers largely guided the marital choices of their children and directly supervised the entry of children - especially sons - into the world outside the home. Most importantly, fathers assumed primary responsibility for what was seen as the most essential parental task - the religious and moral education of the young. Of course, all this changed - not marginally, but fundamentally. Industrialization and the modern economy led to the physical separation of work and home. No longer could fathers be in both settings at the same time. No longer, according to Alexander Mitscherlich, could a child typically acquire skills by "watching one's father, working with him, seeing the way he handled things, observing the degree of knowledge and skill he had attained as well as his limitations." If, as C.S. Lewis once wrote, "fatherhood must be at the core of the universe," is true, then our society is guilty of some very dangerous vandalism by disrespecting fathers. Finally, what does God say about fathers? God could have had any role He wanted, but He chose to be our Heavenly Father. The term "father" is used over 1200 times in the Bible, usually in relation to power that is generational in nature. Fatherhood was once an honored position, and we need to make it so again today. There appears to be troubling signs for the future of our nation if we continue on our current course. Only when men stop abdicating their God-mandated role as leaders in their families and communities will we be able to survive and thrive as a nation once again. It's no coincidence that the last words God spoke to His people at the end of the Old Testament - the last words for 400 years - were on the importance of fathering: "And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse" (Malachi 4:6, NKJV). By abandoning their families, men have clearly turned their hearts away from their children, thus causing bitterness in their children and calling down the consequences of fatherlessness upon our society. Perhaps God's curse has arrived. Rick Johnson is the founder of Better Dads, a fathering skills program designed to inspire and equip men to be more engaged in the lives of their children. He develops and delivers father training workshops and presentations across the Northwest for organizations including businesses, churches, civic groups, social service agencies, hospitals, prisons, and schools. Rick is a graduate of the National Center for Fathering's Train the Trainer program, on which his program is based. He can be reached at 503-665-3761. |
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Single Mothers Raising Boys One of the questions I'm continually asked by single moms is, "What simple advice can you give me to help raise boys to become good men?" The following are a set of small action steps every single mom can take while raise boys. I encourage you to modify these suggestions and combine them with your own ideas to develop a plan that works best for you and your family. Prayer The most important action you can take on your son's behalf is to pray for him on a daily basis. Prayer is the most powerful tool in the universe. Pray for your son's physical, spiritual, and emotional health. Pray for God's blessings to be poured abundantly over your son. Pray that his heart will be turned towards God. Pray for him to have wisdom and discernment. And pray that God brings good friends into his life who will lift him up, encourage him, and hold him accountable. Pray for his sexual purity. Pray for his future spouse's sexual purity and for her parents to have Godly wisdom in raising her. And pray for God to give you the wisdom to be the kind of parent He would have you be, and to make you worthy of raising the child He has entrusted to your care. Goal Setting It has been my observation over a long period of time that goals and accomplishments don't just happen--they require planning. Think about which values and character traits you want your son to demonstrate. Then design a program to help teach him those values-be pro-active not reactive. Consider what techniques have worked best in communicating with your son and which type of disciplinary actions have been most effective. Monitor his responses and the effectiveness of different approaches you've tried and remember them for future reference. Next, write your plan down on paper. A goal that is not written down tends to never come to fruition. Try separating your strategy into different categories. For instance, one category might be character traits you want to instill in your son. Another might be inserting positive male role models in his life. Still another will be teaching him to work and so on. Your plan will then need to be re-visited and adjusted periodically, perhaps once a year or more. Remember that as your son grows, your responses and the way you deal with him will need to change. What works when he is seven years old will likely not work when he is seventeen. Look For Examples Continually look for positive male examples for your son. Search them out in books, movies, and in real life. Once you become sensitized to observing positive (and negative) character traits in men, you will start noticing examples that you may have previously ignored. Point these examples out to your son as they occur. Have some fun with it! Have him look for poor character traits that men act out in books and movies. Keep a list of both the positive and negative characteristics that men exhibit, and then make up a composite man with the character traits of each and see what they look like. Just by making him cognizant of these traits you are teaching him to be consciously aware of their importance. Involve Male Role Models Boys who have never had healthy masculinity modeled for them face an extremely difficult, if not impossible, task--becoming a good man. Since healthy masculinity is rarely modeled in the movies, on television, or in our cultural heroes, he will never understand how to think, act, and behave like a man, without the presence of a real man in his life. Short of God's grace actively and directly intervening in his life, your son will need to find positive male role models in order to help him understand and fulfill his destiny as a man. The earlier in life he encounters these role models, the easier the road will be to travel. If his father is not available to provide a model of healthy masculinity, you MUST find role models for him. Besides prayer, this should be the number one action point of your plan. Ideally, your son's father is actively involved in his life. If not, you must find positive male role models to fill that role in your son's life. It's not easy, but with some work, you can find men that will help mentor your son. The Boy Scouts of America leaders, Little League and soccer coaches, and male teachers may all provide good male role modeling and mentoring. Grandfathers, uncles, neighbors, and your son's friends' fathers are also good candidates. Ask your male neighbor, "The next time you take your son to the ball game, will you ask my son to come?" or "The next time you mow the lawn, can my son help?" Also, contact the men's pastor at your local church. Churches are filled with men who would love to help a fatherless lad. Helping widows and orphans is a Biblical mandate. Though he may not technically qualify, your son is an orphan for all practical purposes in so far as his father's presence or absence is concerned. Find activities to attend in which men are involved. One single mom I know brings her young boy to our men's basketball games each week. We've unofficially adopted him as our team mascot. He sits on the bench during the game and runs around during warm-ups, playing with each guy in turn. This way he's exposed to a variety of different types of men, and able to see how they react in a wide range of situations. He also gets to see us at our best and worst--in a stressful, competitive environment. Lastly, look for good boys to be your son's friends. I think it's important for a parent to take an active interest in directing their children into friendships that will be healthy and nurturing. It's equally important that the families of your son's friends have the same vision and values that you do. That requires you to meet and know the parents of your son's friends. Develop a Vision for Your Son Develop a vision for your son. Always hold him to the higher standard. Yes, the narrow path is harder to walk down, and most people take the easy path through life. But easy is not always best. Your son needs to have a vision of what a man should be (hopefully modeled by his father). He needs high standards to strive towards and goals and dreams to motivate him. Then make sure you share that vision with him. Lastly, make sure he understands that critics are everywhere in life. But that critics shouldn't stop him from doing what he wants. Teach him not to be discouraged by others' pessimism. Teach your boy not to let others stop him from achieving his dreams and goals. Have Fun! One last thing I'd like you to remember--boys are fun to raise! If you understand the differences between males and females, you will enjoy raising your son beyond measure. Just remember--expect boys to be a little louder and more physically active than girls. Try not to be too over-protective of them, and keep your sense of humor. I promise, you will find no greater satisfaction in life than raising your son from a helpless baby and then seeing him exhibit strength of character beyond your wildest expectations as he enters into manhood. Let me conclude by giving you some encouragement. God loves you and He loves your son. God has wonderful things in store for your son. He purposely chose you to be your son's mother out of all the women in the world. God knew the struggles and challenges you would face. He knew all your faults and failures as a mother, and yet still chose you as the right person to raise His child--because He also knew all your strengths and skills. Truly, you are worthy to be your son's mother; an awesome woman. So spend time with your son. Let him know that you love him so much you would be willing to die for him--in the same way as Christ did for all of us. Love like that covers a multitude of mistakes. Finally, actively seek out God's will for your son. Help him become the man of destiny that God designed him to be before time began. Good parenting and God bless you. Rick Johnson is the founder of Better Dads, a fathering skills program designed to inspire and equip men to be more engaged in the lives of their children. He develops and delivers inspirational father training workshops for organizations including businesses, churches, civic groups, social service agencies, hospitals, prisons, and schools. At the request of a local school district, Rick also developed a seminar for single mothers entitled "Courageous Moms - Raising Boys To Become Good Men." He presents these popular seminars throughout the United States. This article has been adapted from Rick's newest book, That's My Son - How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character, by Revell Publishing. To find out more about his book or Better Dads ministry go to www.betterdads.net. |
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Pitfalls in Raising Boys Mothers raising sons by themselves often struggle in one or more different areas. Especially for women who were not raised by a father or who have never had a positive male role model in their lives, the task of raising a boy to a man can be daunting. Here are some common pitfalls in raising boys that women should be aware. Breaking Away Boys growing up in a home where the father is missing or emotionally uninvolved will likely have a harder time becoming independent of their mother. Sometimes a boy's mother stands between him and being a man. To become a man, a boy must make a clean break from the world of women. Manhood and fatherhood are learned behaviors. Boys are visual creatures, and learn by observing. By watching how men react in certain situations, what they say, and how they solve problems, boys learn to become men. Boys need to be instructed at an early age to take on their manly responsibilities. They need to develop a leadership style that appears both noble to men and endearing to women, rather than dominant or abusive. They need to understand a masculine vision of what a real man is. They need a code of conduct teaching them how a real man lives his life. They need... a mother and a father. If a father is not available, they need a remarkable woman who understands what is necessary to raise a good man. That often means allowing them the opportunity to break away from mom's tightly wrapped, loving arms and involving a positive male role model in their lives. Risks Mothers, because of their nurturing tendencies, are often over-protective of their children. After all, it's a mother's job to civilize a boy. However without a man's influence in this area, boys can sometimes end up failing to learn the valuable link between taking risks and attaining success in life. Getting hurt physically, failing, persevering and succeeding (despite overwhelming odds) are key factors in a male's growth toward manhood. In fact, that is precisely how boys learn to become men...how they learn to solve life's problems. Don't thwart their efforts by being overly protective. Realize that when boys get hurt, they just consider it plain old bad luck. Taking risks is part of growing up to be a man. Your son needs to learn from the trial and error of his failures. A wise mother lets her son be a boy. She'll be blessed throughout her life because of it. Smothering Some mothers, in an effort to fill the void created by the lack of male leadership in the home, either become domineering or smother boys with mother love. Adolescent-aged and older males caught in these situations can, and often do, rebel in one of two ways. They either become angry and seek to dominate women or they become feminized. Feminized men are not effeminate. They can be very masculine on the outside, but adopt female responses to life, such as being more passive and indecisive. If a mother hopes to promote her son's healthy growth, she must learn to respect his maleness. Don't let your relationship with your son get swallowed up by bitterness, no matter how genuine your grievance against the male gender. Again, not all boys raised by their mothers react in these rebellious ways. However, enough young men are reacting this way that it bears a closer look. How are boys, raised in close proximity to only women (mother, grandmother, female teachers, female cub scout leader, female Sunday school teacher, etc.), supposed to learn anything other than female responses to life situations? Carl Jung said that when a son is introduced primarily by the mother to feelings, he will learn the female attitude toward masculinity and take a female view of his own father and of his own masculinity. Look at some of the young men around you, even at some of the men with whom you've been involved. Do any of the characteristics of either of these two types of men seem familiar? These shadow-men are becoming more and more pervasive in our fatherless culture. Quitting A man's role in life often requires him to persist in the face of adversity. This valuable skill is lost when boys are allowed to quit. Marriage is tough. Raising children is tough. Life itself is tough. Mothers need to understand that a boy who learns to quit during hard times will be more likely to give up on his own wife and children later on when the going gets tough. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying there are never appropriate times to allow boys to quit an activity. But, quitting can easily become a lifelong habit if allowed to happen too often. I see too many boys and young men today who have acquired the habit of quitting. Nothing great was ever accomplished by quitting. Push boys towards striving to do great things. Give them a dream to look towards. Boys need dreams. It also gives them hope...hope that they too can one day stand in the footsteps of men who have achieved greatness. Rick Johnson is the author of the newly released book, That's My Son - How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character. These are just a few of the pitfalls of raising boys. For a more complete description of these issues and to learn more about how moms can create men of character, purchase his book at www.betterdads.net, or ask for it at your local bookstore. |
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Friend or Acquaintance? It's said that most men in our country have acquaintances, but no real friends. In fact most of us--men or women--struggle with developing and maintaining close relationships with other people. When I became a Christian at age 40, I was one of those men with no friends. Hence, I was lonely-miserably lonely. Shortly thereafter, I took it upon faith to start praying everyday for God to bring friends into my life. I prayed faithfully for two years without any expectations. Now, seven years later, I find rich, full masculine relationships and myself abundantly blessed with dozens of good friends. During my son, Frank's, senior year in high school, he came home and told me about an incident that happened in his Current Events class. The teacher had remarked that men in our culture do not have friends anymore, they only have acquaintances. They did not have anyone they could call in the middle of the night for help. Frank thought, "That's not true. My Dad has many friends. I can think of at least a dozen men he could call in the middle of the night who would help him." He was right! When Frank told me about his class and his response, I realized that God had truly blessed me with many friends. He had answered my prayers for friends. Friends can either encourage us or discourage us. Average people do not want others to go beyond average. Have you ever had a good friend who begrudged your successes-they seemed to resent it? Author John Maxwell says, "The good news is that when I failed, plenty of people were glad to commiserate with me. But when I succeeded, few celebrated. Everybody identifies with failure. You may be able to impress people with your successes, but if you want to influence them, share your failures. The problem is that because people so identify with failure they sometimes have a hard time connecting with success. And if they don't identify with success, they may resent it." Are you an average friend? One who resents others' successes? Remember that one person's success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others. So how should you respond to those who do persecute or discourage you? Pulitzer Prize winning novelist James Michener was once berated with the comment, "Who do you think you are, trying to be better than you are?" Michener responded, "I've spent my life trying to be better than I was, and I am a brother to all who share the same aspiration." Mature people see their own need for grace and therefore extend it to others. If we respond this way to others, we are less likely to be defensive when attacked by others, because when you know you've done all you can do, you can let criticism roll off your back. Personal Testimony I recently was deposed for a lawsuit my company is embroiled in. The deposition took all day and was a very grueling process with the attorney asking me hundreds of pointed questions in an attempt to cross me up. Because of the large amount of prayer by me beforehand and the many friends praying for me at the time, I was able to conduct myself through this process with grace and dignity, even occasionally joking with the prosecuting attorney. Afterwards, several other attorneys, the court stenographer, and the videographer commented on my good attitude, kind behavior, and positive demeanor during the procedure. The way you treat others is a statement to the world of who you are. I've discovered that my friends are the difference that determines whether I succeed or fail. Those closest to you also determine your level of success. We have a sign on our children's computer that says, "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future." Are you the kind of friend that someone would want to aspire to be in the future? Many of you have rejoiced in the successes of the Better Dads ministry. Thank you to all of you who I am fortunate to call my friends. To Reflect Upon Benefit of friends "In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds." Aristotle "It is not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confident knowledge that they will help." Epicurus Value of friends "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King Jr. False friends "False friends are like shadows, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade." John Maxwell Quality of friends "Promise may get friends, but it is performance that keeps them." Benjamin Franklin |
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Tips For Moms As Heard on the Radio
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Tips For Dads As Heard on the Radio
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DEFINITION OF A REAL MAN by Robert Lewis Manhood Principle #1 A Real Man Rejects Passivity Manhood Principle #2 A Real Man Accepts Responsibility Manhood Principle #3 A Real Man Leads Courageously Manhood Principle #4 A Real Man Expects the Greater Reward - God's Reward These life altering seminars and workshops are presented periodically throughout the Portland metro area. Please call Rick I. Johnson at (503) 665-3761 for more information and to find out how to host a workshop. |
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BETTER DADS 2005 YEAR-END UPDATE God's blessings and the peace of the Lord be with you! This past year has been an incredible time of seeing God's grace and majesty at work. So many exciting things have happened this year it will be difficult to recount them all. I again want to take to opportunity to thank all of you for your encouragement and support over the past year. Whether you realize it or not, you have played a major role in God's plan. You have also directly or indirectly positively affected a significant number of families this past year. The extent of the far-reaching impact on the people you have touched will probably not be known by any of us until we have gone home for eternity. The letters and emails I receive of incredibly heart-warming stories regarding the impact the Better Dads ministry has made in people's lives this past year are humbling and amazing. Your support and involvement has made this possible. Here are some of the results of the work that Better Dads accomplished this past year and hopes to strive for in the coming year: Probably the most exciting opportunity this past year is that I am now dedicating all my time and energy to the Better Dads Ministry. A lawsuit against my former environmental consulting company forced me close down in September after 16 years in business. While the lawsuit is still not settled and scheduled to go to trial in Feb., clearly God used what was meant for evil to fulfill His plans. I can clearly see over the past five years how God has orchestrated events to culminate in this present situation. There truly is no doubt in my mind that this is what I was meant to do with my life. While it is an interesting dichotomy relying solely on God's provision after being financially self-sufficient (if we ever really are), it is nonetheless an exciting adventure. Better Dads presented numerous Courageous Moms-Raising Boys to Become Good Men seminars in the Portland metro area and throughout the Pacific Northwest this past year. A portion of these seminars were sponsored by churches or organizations such as Aglow International. Aglow used them as community outreaches in several of their chapter cities (Sequim, WA., Klamath Falls, OR., and Vancouver, WA.). We also gave presentations for school districts, Head Start, the International Center for Traditional Childbearing, and various other organizations. We touched approximately 670 women and their children through these seminars the past year. We will be giving seminars to the leadership of Head Start and for the North Clackamas School district early this next year. We have seminars scheduled in nearly every month of the year. We will focus on reaching out to other cities in Oregon this year such as Salem and Eugene with seminars already scheduled in Bend and Roseburg. Additionally we are already scheduled to travel to Alaska in March and Kansas in May to present seminars and other speaking engagments. Our men's ministry gave fewer workshops to the community this past year, but used other methods to reach out and impact men's lives. I presented classes and workshops on fathering and authentic masculinity on a monthly basis to inmates at both the Oregon State Penitentiary and the Oregon State Correctional Institution. Even though it is an intimidating environment, I found the inmates to be very interested and excited about the topics presented. I am often asked whether I think my work in prison changes any of their lives. Only God knows the answer to that question-- it is only my job to plant the seeds. But if it impacts just one man's life and his children, then it is worth every effort on my part. It is hoped we can develop an opportunity for grants or state funding in the coming year in order to make this important program less costly. An area I would like to develop further in the coming year is to train inmates to take over portions of this program. Several inmates approached me this past year with what appeared to be legitimate desires to make a difference in the world. After much thought and prayer I am being convicted to find opportunities to meet with and train these men upon their release from prison, perhaps with a group of other godly mature men. These former inmates would have much credibility in a prison environment and could perhaps handle this growing part of our ministry better than my time allows. Another way we attempted to impact men's lives this past year was to rent a school gymnasium for open gym basketball games once a week. We focused on at-risk young men playing beside older, mature men as a form of behavior influence. I believe we saw many positive results of behavior modification just by the example we older males set for the younger men (no swearing or fighting occurred and we prayed before each game). Between the fathering seminars, prison classes, and basketball games I estimate we touched the lives of at least 600 men this past year. One of the most exciting programs this past year was the development and implementation of the Standing Tall program at Multnomah Bible College. In response to the need for male mentors for the fatherless boys uncovered during the Courageous Moms seminars, Better Dads and Multnomah partnered on this unique and exciting new program. So far 12 young men who attend Multnomah have been trained and are mentoring fatherless boys. With a waiting list of boys, we are hoping to double the number of mentor volunteers this next term. I cannot tell you how proud I am of these young men and to be associated with them. It is my hope that not only will all the young men and boys each benefit from this experience, but that as all of these young men eventually go out into the world as leaders of their own churches or ministries, they will understand the importance of this work and will have a model to use in their organizations. Truly I believe this program will change the world we live in! Not only are the young men at Multnomah getting involved, the young women are as well. Several volunteer to provide childcare at our seminars and one has even committed herself to the Better Dads ministry and wants to start a program for fatherless girls-who knows where God will eventually take this! Having these young ladies has been a blessing as we have decided to try and make reaching out to the children in our care during the seminars an intentional outreach of God's word. I applaud Multnomah and their leaders for having the courage to step up and tackle the huge issue of fatherless boys when so many churches and other organizations would not-God bless you! This past year saw the release of my first book, That's My Son-How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character, by Revell Publishing. I have since been interviewed on approximately 40 radio stations across the country and have appeared on several television programs. Quite a number of favorable reviews have been printed in magazines and newspapers around the country. Expect to see articles on Proverbs 31 Ministries and Crosswalk.com websites and/or magazines this coming year. My second book, Better Dads Stronger Sons, is due to be released in May 2006. Baker/Revell Publishing has developed 20 (10 for each book) sixty-second radio spots to play in radio stations across the country from February through May. I recorded them several weeks ago. My brother-in-law (the famous Hollywood voice actor Scott Rummell) generously volunteered his time, expertise, and contacts to make this happen-thanks Scott! I am currently working on my third book, a practical guide on how women can recognize men of character and why they choose the men they do. I was also blessed to have signed with an agent this past year, so I am hoping that will increase many opportunities in the speaking and publishing industries. Several areas God truly blessed us in this year are:
As a reminder, please remember that Better Dads does not actively solicit donations to fund our activities. We rely on God's grace to provide for our needs. Most of the events we sponsor are performed free of charge. For instance, all of the monthly classes presented for the Department of Corrections are performed on a volunteer basis-we received no compensation for our costs or the expenses incurred. Additionally, we do not charge for the mom's seminars as many women in attendance are single moms and cannot afford the expense. The cost to present each of these seminars is approximately $300 per event. Again, we rely on God's provision to continue these life-impacting events. If you feel led to make a tax-deductible donation, please address them to: Community Vision International PO Box 33286 Portland, Oregon 97292-3286 Memo line: Better Dads More important though are your continued prayers and encouragement. Please continue to pray for my willingness to be open to God's will and bold in my approach to fulfill that directive. I am very excited about the future of this ministry. I believe that God has big things in store for Better Dads over the next year, and that we are only scratching the surface of how God will use our efforts to impact the world. I've learned over the past several years that no ministry can survive, much less strive, without the support and encouragement of many people. Even just knowing hat you believe in what we are doing is a big boost to my morale and attitude. Your encouragement keeps me from getting frustrated and disappointed when faced with struggles. I appreciate all of you more than I am able to express. If you are interested in hearing more about our upcoming events, our past experiences, our ministry needs, or the goals for this coming year, please feel free to contact me at your convenience. I can be reached at 503-665-3761. Thanks again. God's blessings to each of you. Rick |
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BETTER DADS 2004 YEAR-END UPDATE Blessings Everyone! I want to take to opportunity to thank all of you for your encouragement and support over the past year. Whether you realize it or not, you have played a major role in God's plan for me and for Better Dads. You have also directly or indirectly positively affected a significant number of families this past year. The extent of the far-reaching impact on the people you have touched will probably not be known by any of us until we have gone home for eternity. Please know, however, that I have heard a number of incredibly heart-warming stories regarding the impact the Better Dads ministry has made in people's lives this past year. Your support and involvement has made this possible. Here are some of the results of the work that Better Dads has strove to accomplish this past year:
If you should feel led to make a tax deductible donation, please address them to: Community Vision International P.O. Box 33286 Portland, Oregon 97292-3286 Memo line: Better Dads More important are your continued prayers and encouragement. Please, continue to pray for my willingness to be open to God's will and bold in my approach to fulfill that directive. I am very excited about the future of this ministry. I believe that God has big things in store for Better Dads over the next year, and that we are only scratching the surface of how God will use our efforts to impact the world. Thank you again for your encouragement. I've learned over the past several years that no ministry can survive, much less strive, without the support and encouragement of many people. Even just knowing that you believe in what we are doing is a big boost to my morale and attitude. Your encouragement keeps me from getting frustrated and disappointed when faced with struggles. I appreciate all of you more than I am able to express. If you are interested in hearing more about our upcoming events, our past experiences, our ministry needs, or the goals for this coming year, please feel free to contact me at your convenience. I can be reached during the day at 503-661-4456 or eves at 503-665-3761. Thanks again. God-s blessings to each of you. Rick |
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Single Mother Statistics by Rick Johnson The number of children being raised in homes today without a father has reached epidemic proportions in our country. David Blankenhorn in Fatherless America says, "The fatherless family of the United States in the late twentieth century is a social invention of the most daring and untested design. It represents a radical departure from virtually all of human history and experience...Today, American society is fundamentally divided and ambivalent about the fatherhood idea. Some people do not even remember it. Others, including more than a few family scholars, neglect or disdain it. Many others are not especially opposed to fatherhood, nor are they especially committed to it. Many people wish we could act on it, but believe that our society simply no longer can or will." This article contains statistics and information regarding children being raised by single mothers that are alarming and sometimes heartbreaking. But that's all it is--information. These single mother statistics are not meant to criticize anyone's specific situation or to convict them for a circumstance in which they find themselves. Frankly, it's more of an indictment of men than it is of women. Remember that just because a reality makes us angry or hurt, that does not make it any less true. I present these single mother statistics, not to create hopelessness, but to help single mothers face life with the most accurate perspective possible. This provides a baseline or foundation to understand some of the challenges which present themselves when raising a child without a father actively involved in his life. It is estimated that currently forty percent of the children in this country are being raised in homes without their fathers. Couple that with the high and rising incidence of unwed, young single mothers, and a fifty-percent and rising divorce rate, and we are perpetuating fatherlessness onto future generations at an alarming rate. What are the affects of not having fathers involved in children's lives? Studies performed over the past ten years by the National Center for Fathering conclude the following:
Dr. Ken Canfield in his book, The Heart of a Father, presents the following statistics collected from a number of different studies documenting the effects of fatherlessness: Fatherless children are more likely to commit crimes and engage in substance abuse. A 1994 report from the Wisconsin Department of Health and Social Services found just 12 percent of the delinquents in state custody were from a two-parent home. A 1980 study of female delinquents in the California Youth Authority found just seven percent came from intact families. On average, fatherless children score lower on tests and have lower grade point averages. Family scholar Barbara Dafoe Whitehead says, "Even after controlling for race, income and religion, scholars find significant differences in educational attainment between children who grow up in intact families and children who do not." Children in father-absent families are five times more likely to be poor and ten times more likely to be extremely poor. Adolescents in mother-only families are more likely to be sexually active, and daughters are more likely to become single-parent mothers. But the poison goes even deeper. According to Jean Bethke Elshtain in an article titled, "Family Matters: The Plight of America's Children," published in Christian Century Magazine, "Broken homes contribute to as many as 3 in 4 teen suicides and 4 in 5 psychiatric admissions." So ultimately, what is the impact of fatherlessness on children? Kids raised in single mother homes are:
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Single Mothers and Poverty One of the most striking changes in family structure over the last twenty years has been the increase in single-parent families. In 1970, the number of single-parent families with children under the age of 18 was 3.8 million. By 1990, the number had more than doubled to 9.7 million. For the first time in history, children are more likely to reside in a single-parent family for reasons other than the death of a parent. More than one in four children are born to an unmarried mother, many of whom are teenagers. Another 40 percent of children under 18 will experience parental breakup. About half of all children will live at least a portion of their lives in a single parent home before they reach their eighteenth birthday. Approximately eighty-five (85) percent of all single-parent families are headed by females. Not surprisingly, single mothers with dependent children have the highest rate of poverty across all demographic groups (Olson & Banyard, 1993). Approximately 60 percent of U.S. children living in mother-only families are impoverished, compared with only 11 percent of two-parent families. The rate of poverty is even higher in African-American single-parent families, in which two out of every three children are poor. According to data compiled by the National Center for Fathering, children in father-absent families are five times more likely to be poor and ten times more likely to be extremely poor than children raised with a father in the home. New analysis by the Institute for Women's Policy Research of Census Bureau poverty and income figures reveals continuing economic hard times for women. While single mothers constitute less than one-fifth of all families, they make up half of all families in poverty. Furthermore, almost 40 percent of families headed by African American single mothers lived in poverty in 2002. The new poverty data released recently shows no improvement in the poverty rate of people living in female-headed households, with 28.8 percent living below poverty in 2002, compared with 28.6 percent in 2001. The poverty rate for female-headed families is nearly three times as high as the poverty rate for all families. A striking 38.2 percent of families headed by African American single mothers lived in poverty in 2002, compared to 37.4 percent in 2001; 36.4 percent of people living in families headed by Hispanic single mothers lived in poverty in 2002. Even for families headed by single working mothers, the poverty rate is 21.1 percent. Almost half of children living in female-headed households (48.6 percent) live below the poverty line. What does all this mean to us as a society? It means that an entire generation of children are growing up without the means to properly equip themselves to become healthy, productive adults. The consequences of this, either directly or indirectly, result in an increase in crime, drug abuse, martial failure, abuse towards women and children, decrease in literacy rates and education levels, higher rates of teen pregnancies, and the creation of hopelessness in a multitude of lives. For business it results in a poorly trained work force generating less productivity in the marketplace. For government it results in less taxes being generated while more are being spent. Frankly, I don't have the answers to all the problems of this issue, but it's pretty clear that we need to take steps to address the problem as quickly and efficiently as possible if we want to stop the growing trend of poverty among single mother families and all of the problems it leads to in our society. Resources Single Mothers and Their Children Suffer Most in the Last Year with Persistently High Poverty; Gender Wage Gap Stagnant, Data Provided by Institute for Women's Policy Research Single-parent Families in Poverty, Jacqueline Kirby, M.S., The Ohio State University National Center for Fathering, www.father.com |
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Single Mother Programs The following is a brief introduction of the popular single mothers program, Courageous Moms-Raising Boys to Become Good Men. Since 2000, Better Dads has primarily worked with men, encouraging and equipping them to be more involved n the lives of their families. Several years ago, Kevin--a counselor at a local school district--approached me and said that his elementary schools had quite a number of single mothers with questions about raising boys. He asked if I could address their needs through a seminar, and that is how Courageous Moms--Raising Boys to Become Good Men was born. The key word is Good. Your son will become a man regardless of what you do or don't do. But our goal should be to raise good men. And that, I think, takes some special training and skills that are becoming rare in today's culture. While putting together this single mothers program seminar, I talked with a number of single mothers who had successfully raised boys to become good men. I ran my ideas by them for approval, and incorporated their most successful techniques into the program. Since then, I have given numerous presentations to groups of single moms, and have never failed to be touched by their earnest desire for information on how to raise their sons to be good men. I've discovered that there's much value to the old adage: "It's easier to raise a boy than to fix a man." After I started presenting the seminars, I discovered a very interesting phenomenon. Women in general, not just single moms, were very interested in learning how and why boys (and men) think, act, and feel the way they do. Married women and even those who were not yet mothers began attending the seminars. Even though I'm a fathering advocate, I have nothing but respect and admiration for mothers, especially single moms, who are interested in trying to help grow their sons to become good men. The horrifying truth is that eighty-five percent of custodial single parents are mothers. I can't begin to fathom how difficult it must be to raise and provide for a family without the support of a spouse. It's important for you to understand that I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, pastor, or even a trained counselor. I'm also not an expert father, to which my kids will readily attest. I make mistakes every day. I'm just an average parent like most of you, trying to raise my kids the best I can. I've just been fortunate enough to have gotten some extra training and to have read many good books. One thing I'm not going to tell you is how to be a mother. You're all better mothers than I'll ever be. But maybe I can provide some insight into what it takes to be a man. After all, I am a man--by some accounts a fairly good man-- I've been a boy, and I've raised a pretty good son nearly into manhood. And I've worked with hundreds of men over the years, learning about their childhood's and the areas they struggle with on a daily basis. That doesn't make me an expert, but hopefully it will allow me to give you some insight into what makes us males tick. Having said that, I therefore dedicate this seminar to all the moms out there who are struggling to make it. Moms who work all day, and come home and cook meals and clean the house, sometimes with little or no support from the father of their children. Moms who do without day after day, so their kids can eat, have a roof over their heads, and have shoes and clothes to wear. Moms who are trying their best to raise a family on their own, without the time, resources, and shared burdens of a two-parent family. Moms who, despite the hardships, never quit. To those moms, I dedicate this information in hopes that it will ease your burden by helping you understand how boys think, how best to communicate with these strange little creatures, and how to help them become good men, so someday your grandchildren will look up at you and say, "Thank you, Grandma, for raising such a good Daddy for me." |
BETTER DADS YEAR-END UPDATE 2006 Are Men Really Important? You bet! David Delk says, "When men get right, marriages get right. When marriages get right, families get right. When families get right, churches get right. When churches get right, the world gets right." Men are at the root of all of our cultural predicaments, but they are also the solution to fixing those problems as well. However, unless we effectively reach men and disciple them properly, everything else is just a band-aid. Our goal at Better Dads is to change the world through men. We are pursuing this vision through 1) directly teaching fathering skills to men, 2) training men in prison, 3) teaching women how to raise boys to become good men, and 4) mentoring fatherless boys. John Lennon sang, "And so this is Christmas, and what have you done?" It's a good question to reflect upon at the end of the year. This past year our programs directly touched the lives of over 4,000 men, women, and children. It is our hope next year to at least double that amount. Here are just a few of our accomplishments this past year: * Presented a total of 26 "Courageous Moms-Raising Boys to Become Good Men" seminars * Keynote speaker at two men's retreats * Gave fathering and authentic masculinity classes at four different prisons a total of 12 separate times (I estimate we touched about 350-400 inmates). * Spoke and had booths at two trade shows-Kidfest and the NW Women's Show * Spoke at the Association of Gospel & Rescue Missions annual convention in Seattle * 10 day speaking tour in Alaska * Presented three "Dynamic Dads-A Challenge to Significance" workshops * Presented four "7 Secrets of Effective Fathers" workshops * Spoke from the pulpit of eight churches * Presented two "Raising Kids of Character" seminars. * Developed and implemented the Standing Tall mentoring program for fatherless boys in partnership with Multnomah Bible College. Twelve college students ( young men) were trained and mentored 14 boys. We started our second year this fall with a new group of young men as well as many returning students. * Spoke at various social service/agency opportunities (Rotary, several men's groups, Human Solutions, Youth Employment Institute, MOPS, Toastmasters, etc.) * Spoke in various cities across the Pacific Northwest: Vancouver, Portland, Bend, Salem, Clackamas, McMinnville, Puyallup, Roseburg, Eugene, Seattle, Tacoma, Snohomish, The Dalles, Sweet Home, Medford, and Klamath Falls. The only cities we did not reach on our 15 city goal list this past year were: The Tri-Cities, Pendleton, Yakima, Spokane, and Boise. This past year we spoke in Oregon, Washington, and Alaska and are already scheduled for speaking engagements in New Jersey, Florida, and possibly Wisconsin in 2007. Several new seminars are expected to be launched this coming year including topics such as "Head Over Heels: Recognizing (and Developing) Men of Character" for women of all ages, and "A Stand-Up Guy: What Every Man Yearns For" for men. Additionally, Suzanne and I will be presenting an exciting new workshop for couples who want to realize a long-term, satisfying marriage relationship. All of us, including the staff, volunteers, and board members at Better Dads would like to thank each of you for your support and encouragement this past year. I would like to especially thank our financial partners and prayer team. Without you, we would have been unable to make a difference in the many lives we touched this past year. And an extra special thank you to our volunteers (Team H.O.P.E.). Without their generous efforts, I would be lost and overwhelmed. May each of you be blessed in the coming year for your loyal hearts and faithful spirits. Sincerely, Rick Johnson Executive Director |
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